I am just an animal and so...

My head says, "wonderful lady dude, you are sleeping five plus hours a night. And sometimes the kids even entertain themselves. You eat warm bites of dinner every day. Your body feels like it could be itself again, soon. And you sometimes even have the energy to do a lower ab attack before grabbing a beer and reading a book for a minute at night. Your boobs are zenned out and nicely back down to almost (almost) matching B-minuses which means tank top as a bra. Tank top as a bra, lady, tank top as a bra! Scary medical bills are coming in bunches of one or two instead of seven. You're getting ahead, a little more every day. You've found a life groove and that means things are groovy."

My head is smart smart smart.

My heart isn't listening. My heart heard that not a few of my best friends are pregnant with baby number three. My heart got pretty excited when this month's pms (something I never had before, how funny, but not haha funny, just ugh so this is what everyone was talking about funny) meant breakouts and smells smelling crazy and wild dreams and ragey moments and chocolate requirements and whole body cramps and headaches and and and... and of course I thought this might mean something more than pms. And then there was an evap line (that didn't show up til the next day, because it really was just an evap line) that I tucked away in a box in the back of a cupboard and looked at over and over and over for two days. But that's all it was. 

Something about surviving infertility leaves you crazy forever I think. Always keeping one test tucked away in a drawer. Always overanalyzing every little body sign. I am hungry for Chinese food tonight, I am probably pregnant, yes I bet I am! How exciting. I will take a test while on my period because wanting Chinese food DEFINITELY means I am pregnant!

You train yourself to hope for one thing for long enough and it will feel unnatural not to hope for it even when your brain tells you, "you don't need to want this anymore, you got your wishes, you got your treasures, enjoy this!" We tried for Otto for four rough years that changed who I am forever... I'm more serious now about everything. I value my family to the point of not being able to enjoy them sometimes because I'm so worried about them and trying so hard to protect them. Not sometimes, often. Other times I think I appreciate what we have more than anyone has ever appreciated anything in the history of time.

So maybe it's just that I'm an animal and these thoughts aren't thoughts at all. I just know it's been a hard couple of days and these hormones can spread their wings and fly already. 

No comments: