a mental health day

Today and tomorrow I'm taking two mental health half days at work. I'm working both days, but taking a little extra time at the back of today and front of tomorrow to get my head in order. Things have been kind of swimming lately. Overwhelmed is almost not enough of a word for it. So much stress. I feel like an exposed nerve at moments. Not always, but it's always kind of lurking beneath the surface. I feel like I've been sick or just barely not sick for months. I feel sad. Except when I'm fine. Which feels extra crazy.

I've wanted to talk about this on here for a while. I share so much of the joys in my life with you guys, it felt like the honest thing to do to admit I'm kind of falling apart. Except when I'm not. (Extra crazy!)... Anyways, I haven't talked about it because... I don't know why. Because I don't want pity. I just want equilibrium.

My friend told me it's probably a lot of things coming together at once, including plain old stress and a Vitamin D deficiency. I ordered some organic D to mainline, which should arrive today. Maybe the sun will come out this month, Rob will pass his test, and I will calm the crap down. I hope so.

In the mean time, two little breaks in the routine, today and tomorrow. Maybe that's all it will take to turn the tide. Some quiet, actually alone time to clean and listen to loud music. A lunch with a friend. A hair appointment. Then Rob will pass his test on Thursday and my parents will visit and it will be a low-key hopefully sunny birthday for Loretta and we'll all kind of quietly move onto the next chapter of our story and I hope it's a peaceful, happy, boring chapter of goodness.

blogging ebb and flow

See the little plaid bit there? That's my new boyfriend, Heating Pad. It's so funny how every little thing in life affects every other little thing in life. I feel like the past few months my energy for this space (the blog I mean) has fizzled, and I know it does that every year about this time, grey skies for weeks on end, chilly rooms, fried nerves from being trapped inside, it just totally totally affects me and sucks all my extra energy. I wake up tired. I crave outside time and so when it isn't raining I stand in the cold, filtered sun, but the weak sunlight doesn't satisfy. I still laugh and dance and play and all the good things. Coffee and baked things... But it feels like everything is happening under wet cheesecloth. Also I think I need a chiropractor. There are probably other whines that I'm forgetting to mention.

I am just an animal and so...

My head says, "wonderful lady dude, you are sleeping five plus hours a night. And sometimes the kids even entertain themselves. You eat warm bites of dinner every day. Your body feels like it could be itself again, soon. And you sometimes even have the energy to do a lower ab attack before grabbing a beer and reading a book for a minute at night. Your boobs are zenned out and nicely back down to almost (almost) matching B-minuses which means tank top as a bra. Tank top as a bra, lady, tank top as a bra! Scary medical bills are coming in bunches of one or two instead of seven. You're getting ahead, a little more every day. You've found a life groove and that means things are groovy."

My head is smart smart smart.

My heart isn't listening. My heart heard that not a few of my best friends are pregnant with baby number three. My heart got pretty excited when this month's pms (something I never had before, how funny, but not haha funny, just ugh so this is what everyone was talking about funny) meant breakouts and smells smelling crazy and wild dreams and ragey moments and chocolate requirements and whole body cramps and headaches and and and... and of course I thought this might mean something more than pms. And then there was an evap line (that didn't show up til the next day, because it really was just an evap line) that I tucked away in a box in the back of a cupboard and looked at over and over and over for two days. But that's all it was. 

Something about surviving infertility leaves you crazy forever I think. Always keeping one test tucked away in a drawer. Always overanalyzing every little body sign. I am hungry for Chinese food tonight, I am probably pregnant, yes I bet I am! How exciting. I will take a test while on my period because wanting Chinese food DEFINITELY means I am pregnant!

You train yourself to hope for one thing for long enough and it will feel unnatural not to hope for it even when your brain tells you, "you don't need to want this anymore, you got your wishes, you got your treasures, enjoy this!" We tried for Otto for four rough years that changed who I am forever... I'm more serious now about everything. I value my family to the point of not being able to enjoy them sometimes because I'm so worried about them and trying so hard to protect them. Not sometimes, often. Other times I think I appreciate what we have more than anyone has ever appreciated anything in the history of time.

So maybe it's just that I'm an animal and these thoughts aren't thoughts at all. I just know it's been a hard couple of days and these hormones can spread their wings and fly already. 

currently link up | emo, overwhelmed, time-obsessed, chocolate

Currently is a weekly link-up hosted by the amazing ♥ Randalin of Harvesting Kale and I am super happy to be co-hosting the series with her. I hope that you can participate by writing your own Currently post (using the provided themes or your own) and please join us by linking up. This week, around these parts, we have been...

Cleaning but just barely keeping up with simple cleaning tasks like the dishes. Somehow this week my non-work hours have all been super jam packed with passing out at the kids' bedtime or with staying up late or getting up stupid early (4:00am today) to do work. My new job requires a lot of writing and concentration which is hard for me to do when I'm in the office (Captain Distracto, at your what? Look! Something shiny!)  so I've been playing catch up at home but that's not a sustainable game plan. I need to figure out how to get my job done when I'm in the office, or start doing a day a week at home to jam out some projects, or... I don't know. I'm just tired and the house is NOT clean, ha, not at all.

Planning (or hoping to start planning soon) a summer trip to Disneyland. Like a Walleyworld style, no frills road trip, but a trip nonetheless! My breath isn't held at all on this. We need to figure out this year AND last year's taxes first. I'm our family's day-to-day accountant but Rob does our taxes and he does them during his spring break so fingers crossed, breaths held, that some kind of magic thing happens where we don't end up stinking broke in a few weeks.

Planting in my mind a really rad backyard garden! I was told that the golden planting rule in this part of the world is to wait to plant your garden until Mother's Day so I'm thinking that would be a really sweet way to spend that day with a trip to a local nursery to pick out some starters and a day in the yard (if the sun cooperates).

Skipping too much. See also: Cleaning. Sometimes you feel like you're drowning in to-dos and not doing enough and all you can do is (??) not take on too many new projects and truck through the projects you've got and hope the overwhelmed feeling slowly goes away. So there's that. Ugh, sorry, I'm not feeling very inspirational this morning. See also: 4am wakeup today AND we're out of coffee creamer. Head: Desk: Head: Desk. I've also been putting off the "trucking through" part lately in order to snuggle with Otto in the mornings instead of waking up to blog, work, clean, or other of "the things". I've had the feeling that he needs a little more focused attention lately and who knows if he's getting what he needs. I hope so. Trying to be a super mom feels like shit sometimes. I'm hoping that only a truly good mom would feel like shit though. Right? Bad moms probably feel awesome about doing a terrible job and Good moms feel like assholes for doing a good-but-could-be-better-always-criticize-self-never-satisfied-NEVER-SATISFIED job. Right? Someone give me a gold star and buy me some damn coffee creamer, please!

Wearing a maxi pad. As always, sorry Dad! You should stop reading the words and just look at the cute pictures of your grandkids. After a year of nursing, and still nursing but less so, I'm having my first period in about two years. So all emo tendencies and inner crying in corners and midnight eating super old frozen forgotten candy bars can get in line to buy me some damn coffee creamer and give me a gold star because hormones!

Look at how cute my kids are. That's about all the inspiration I need to keep my breakdowns confined to the shower and this here blog. This too shall pass. In the mean time, hide your chocolate, because I don't care how freezer burnt it is it is in danger and that danger looks a lot like a 34 year old, exhausted, sun-starved mama.

That was this week. Here are next week's SPRING! themes:

feeling, imagining, considering, listening to, moving

parent is a verb

This...

image via

I think one of my ultimate goals as a parent is to raise my kids to be thoughtful and considerate human beings. I don't care so much if they grow up to be great scholars, but I do care that they're critical thinkers and that they act with intention and with consideration of others. Sometimes you're out, any random place like the grocery store or whatever, and you see a parent interacting with their child(ren) and it just strikes you in this really sad way that the parent isn't treating their kid(s) with much respect. Like the parent is being shrill or whiny or impatient or just, well, shitty. And yes, I do judge. It's impossible not to. I scowl at those assheads and smile kindly at their kids and hope that my scowl/smile powers are like a little hand squeeze for those kids' souls. And whenever this happens I just get really upset and introspective. Do these parents realize or even care that the way they're treating their kids is actually a hurdle in those kids' paths to greatness?

Being a parent is inconvenient pretty regularly. I see the tradeoff as the joy/honor of being in the company of  these pure, amazing, weird little people and helping them become the best selves they can be. If you think it's fine to make them feel bad for inconveniencing you, for taking your time, then I kind of want to chop your head off. Is all.

There is nothing I treasure more than getting to know my kids and actively parenting them. My Otto is the most tender-hearted, inquisitive, creative little guy. My Loretta lives life balls out. They both have my full respect. When they talk to me I will always do my best to listen and ask questions. When they need something I will always attempt to help them or help them to figure it out for themselves. Sometimes I won't get enough sleep or a shower or a haircut before my hair starts looking like all kinds of shiz and I will have ugly eye circles and be smelly. Often I won't get to be on Twitter, or texting, or even writing this blog when I want to. Sometimes it will feel like too much and I will cry my eyes out, that's happened a few times lately just mostly because I'm so tired, but I'm not going to lose sight of the goal. Because look at this amazingness.

I get the honor of cultivating this amazingness. I am so lucky and my kids are so loved and they know it and if I have anything to say about it they will always know it. Everyone's kids should. Wouldn't that be awesome? That would be so awesome.

we'll all float on, all right.

i read (i think when i was pregnant with Otto) about this mom who - every day at the end of the day - had a conversation with her five year old about their favorite and least favorite thing that happened that day. the exercise allowed her to reflect on her child's perception of the day, relive and appreciate the joys, and address any outstanding grievances. ever since i read this little article the concept just stuck with me. it really clicked. i think Ot's a little too young at 2 1/2 to benefit much from airing his grievances (which would likely be whatever made him most sour within the previous five minutes, anyway). but i do like to reflect back on the day with him at bedtime each evening and talk about the favorite moments.

guys, this move is making me emo! anyways, today was just so full of favorite moments for me that i wanted to put them all down. even though Otto and i skipped our talk tonight as he'd stayed up a little late picnic'ing with us in the living room and watching the Clifford movie we rented.

first favorite moment... i woke up thinking of the new camera (that's not an affiliate link, just a link) i purchased last night with my birthday money that will be coming sometime next week. i can't wait! i'm going to make out with this beauty daily. yay! ♥

second favorite moment... i found out while at work today that one of my closest friends gave birth to a healthy baby girl this morning. after work i went with another friend to visit mama, baby, and doting family at the Tucson birth center (where Otto was born, though they moved to a different space recently). holding and beholding that sweet, perfect little lady reminded me that no matter how crazy things get, there is peace and beauty wherever you look, if you just remember to look (which i sometimes forget to do) ♥

third favorite moment... after i got home from the birth center, my little family headed out to pick out a tame-enough-for-my-coddled-toddler video and treat ourselves to a picnic of Whole Foods deli items. at home we sat on a towel in the living room and ate hummus, sushi, ricepaper spring rolls, italian corn-on-the-cob, peaches, and a fruit tart while watching. mama also indulged in an orange blossom cream ale (holy shit). Otto sang and danced through it all, singing "i. ammmmm. watching. myyyyy. mooo-veeeee" over the songs ♥

another awesome favorite moment... during bedtime Rob put on "Float On" and strummed along on guitar. we all did a big dance party and sang along, dancing, with Otto dancing with his favorite bear. it was too good. we did it again. that's right, two times dance party!

do you guys do anything like this? remembering the best of each day? it's really therapy for me. focusing on the good stuff kind of puts the rest of stuff in your peripheral vision, at least for a while. especially since personality-wise i'm often super inclined to focus on the challenges and frustrations. me <-- a really worry wart. it's honestly why i do this blog, in a lot of ways, to capture and reflect on all the things that make me happy. to honor my son and my family, who are sources of daily joy even if i'm sour lemons by the end of the day.

tgif,
lindsey

this old house...

so i have some really really really really big big news (and that's why they call it jum-bone!). we have a home lined up in Eugene! with our own yard! a washer/dryer room! on a quiet little street! and we're moving in july! july --> eek! ok, that's maybe a little sooner than we are maybe ready for, but we're excited! here, a little sneak peak of Otto's soon-to-be room.

i can't wait to get it all set up like a "big boy room" and share pictures with you! in fact, i'm really excited to decorate this new place with a more consistent and charming style than we ever did our current home. i think i finally have a better feeling for what i like. i credit you guys (your blogs, your pinterest pins, your etsy recommendations) for helping open my eyes to how charming and unique a home can be. even in this day and age of ikea and target-trying-to-be-ikea. don't get me wrong. i LOVE ikea and target-trying-to-be-ikea. but i'm also feeling really empowered to find or create some more personal, unique touches in our new pad.

wildflower-lined steps down to our private entrance...

it's a little duplex. i'm so thrilled. i can't wait. i love it already!

this old house
so i'm obviously mildly excited about this move from tucson to oregon. but i also wanted to take a second to nod in the direction of this old house we're leaving behind. Melissa got me thinking today about the fact that this old house holds my dearest memories. it's the house we brought Otto home to. the house where he's grown from baby to toddler to toddler-squared. it's this house...

ps. i want that moment back...

at the same time, this house has been the home of some of my darkest moments. years of unending sadness and cold fear that changed who i was and who i will be, forever (would i ever get pregnant? could i?). those years tested my relationships with everyone i'd ever known. aged my soul. brought me to my knees many many times. and yet.

this is the house that brought me my greatest joy. my Otto. my heart. my love.

this house has been the stage of so many milestones. so much change. so much love. and it's going to be hard to leave it, and the people i've grown to know and hold dear while we've camped out in tucson for the past five years. but i am also soooo ready to move forward. moving forward has been the goal all along. Rob finishes his phd, Otto starts on his path towards the US presidency, and i maybe learn to relax a little bit more, enjoy the rain and trees and flowers and sky, and start making new memories with my beautiful little family in a new home (that has organic garden beds, did i mention? hells yes!).

xo,
Lindsey

I Am So Thankful... And So Emo...

On this Thanksgiving Day, I am just so so thankful for my life. I know that I am so fortunate to have my (very good looking) family, my loved ones, and all of their health. I'm thankful for Otto's laughter and his emerging independence (ok, so some days I call him Sour Grapes, but today I'm thankful for those impossibly whiney little grapes). I'm thankful for my husband's sweet heart and enormous brain and the places we'll be going in the next year as he pursues his PhD. I'm thankful for Andes mints and green bean casserole and Robitussin and hot coffee (random, but if you saw me this morning you'd get it). And I'm crazy thankful for the new friends I've found by virtue of this blog ---> You guys have no idea how much joy and laughter and energy you've brought into my life these past months. 

Love love love,
-Lindsey