It's hard to hate these boobs that are such a huge and important part of my life these days, with nursing and pumping every single day, around the clock. And I do hate them. I hate how they make me feel even more awkward in my already awkward post-pregnancy body. I hate that they're not perky or even a matching set. I hate how I look in a tshirt. I hate that they're unreliable still, at almost eight months post partum. I leak almost every day. I can't rely on them when I need to pump to have enough milk, although sometimes it's like Whoa! The left one is like a sad little pancake looking down at my belly button. The right one likes to Hulk out halfway through the day and peek out of my bra to say hello.
And that is pretty much my story. I have been sick this past week with some kind of stomach bug that's going around and I think it dehydrated me in a weird way so that my always-annoying boobs have been each doing their thing to the extreme. I'll sit down to pump in the morning (I usually pump from about 5am to 6am while watching Morning Joe & VH1 <--- ways to know you are getting old, haha) and usually get 1-2 ounces out of the left guy, and then 6-10 ounces out of the right. So uneven.
A few days this week the right one threatened to not come through, I think because of the dehydration, and I felt the worst kind of panic. What would I do if I couldn't pump enough? Like really, how would I feed my daughter???!!! I drank organic mother's milk tea and even though I was totally feeling yuck, I guzzled water and orange juice and ate handfuls of raw almonds. So far we've powered through but it hasn't been fun at all.
Boobs really aren't fun at all.
I never wanted big boobs. I reallllly never wanted one quitter and one giant boob. But I do expect that if I have to walk around with these droopy, heavy globs on my chest every day that when I need them they'll come through for me. And this week when they kind of haven't, I've just been all kinds of resentful. I can be happy with two uneven, sloppy, leaky, annoying boobs that are at the end of the day doing their job and feeding Loretta. But two uneven, sloppy, leaky, annoying boobs that are holding out? It kind of equaled instant depression.
As of this morning we seem to be back on track, thank goodness. And down the road when Loretta is no longer nursing, I know I'll look back on this time through rosy shades and miss it a lot. Because there are things I really love about nursing her. But I just thought I'd take a moment to air my grievances with my stupid boobs. Call it Festivus of Boobs. Right boob wins at feats of strength :)
Anyways, I just wanted to share. If you have mismatched or unreliable boobs, you are not alone!
This weekend we are looking forward to a really fun couple days of farm visits, pumpkin choosing, carving, and mellow family hangouts. Me, my family, and my stupid boobs. Next weekend is the Pacific Northwest Blogger meetup! I'm nervous and scared and excited about that jam!