And he does actually know that I screwed up kinda. I just don't know if he's going to realize how badly I screwed up. See, yesterday Otto's best school friend (Otto idolizes this little guy) had his birthday party and we didn't make it. We missed the party. We totally missed the party. Like we RSVP'd, we picked out a thoughtful gift, we got a card, we (Rob and I) looked into each other's eyes and said, "this party is happening at this time and place and we will be attending," and then, for a lot of reasons none of which were real reasons, we just didn't get there in time. And so Otto didn't get to attend this party that a lot of his school friends were at; he didn't get to celebrate and play and share in this awesome experience with his buddy, and I just hope it doesn't turn into a big deal when he goes to school tomorrow because ugh. Ugggggggh.
As a person who is both a human and a parent, I know I remember certain let downs from my childhood in a way that is borderline ridiculous. So what do I do here? I want to acknowledge to Otto that I really screwed up and that I'm really really sorry and that it won't happen again because we'll make sure to never let it happen again. Or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? Somewhere inside of my brain I also realize that we missed a birthday party we should have gone to and wanted to go to and life will go on and... but no, that isn't the point to me. I don't want Otto to feel left out tomorrow when the kids are talking about the party. I don't want him to feel bad for not going to a party that was top priority on his list. I feel like I seriously blew it and there's not a way to fix it and I suck. Like I suck, period, I'm so sorry kiddo because you don't suck and I do and I blew this for you and then just crying in the dark :(
I feel like my time management skills these days are stretched way past their capacity. Like I need to definitely (and I definitely will) re-implement the old paper & sharpie family calendar that used to be a fixture in our kitchen pre-move. My brain can't handle basic things like a 3-item shopping list or moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer in time to avoid stinky mildew... I'm just totally overwhelmed by it all, lately. I feel like I need to clear a lot of excess out of my life and I'm paralyzed as to how to do so or what can go. And I feel like I wake up with barely a handle on each and every day and if everything goes swimmingly then we march onto the next day just as strung-thin and wild-eyed as today but if anything goes wrong, or anything unexpected comes up, I just can't even cope. I give up. I say, in a really nice voice, "OK, we are officially playing Uno all day until dinnertime when I will order a pizza and not do laundry." And that tactic has gotten me through for a while, but blech.
I don't even have an answer. I just hope Otto knows how bad I feel. I hope the kids don't make him feel left out tomorrow. I hope he knows how much I love him more than anything in the world, even when I accidentally suck so bad as a parent and let him down. Future Ot, if you're reading this, I would never let you down on purpose. I love you so much. I hope you're feeling confident, and well-rounded, and know how much you're loved.
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