I Blew A Turkey Loaf

Haha, could not resist that title! Head out of the gutter, perves, this isn't Skinemax! Or whatever weird sex channel would show something like... you know what, forget it, I'm gonna stop. But for reals, tonight I blew the sh*t out of what should have been a beautiful turkey meatloaf. My first meatloaf, ever, actually.

May ye olde turkey loaffe RIP. She were a gnarly, nasty mess. She be buried in ye olde dumpsterre astern of me house.

What happened?

Well, you see, I have a problem. I can NOT leave a recipe alone to save my life. What did I do to this one? I decided I'd hide pumpkin puree, ground flax, an egg, and a cup of broccoli sprouts in the mix. Oh, and I didn't even look at misread the instructions that said to put a cup of tomato sauce on TOP of the loaf before cooking, so I stirred it INTO the mixture. What I ended up with was a hot mess that looked like the brains of some half sprout/half man lovechild (look for that sex tape on the same channel that carries the me-blowing-a-turkey-loaf footage). Well, just see for yourself...

Did you throw up a little bit?

Oh, and the original recipe called for a 45-50 minute cook time. I held onto hope for this bad boy til we hit the 2 hour mark and it was still gelatinous. That's when I pronounced it DOA. Said the last rites. Got myself a coffee cup full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Luckily (an hour earlier when it was supposed to be done cooking) I'd also made mashed potatoes, gravy, and a freaking amazing lil green bean casserole as sides. So we did Boston Market side item meal-style dinner. Which my vegetarian husband was all set to have anyway. 

If you're curious, I was trying to make Jessica Seinfeld's Italian Meatloaf that already cleverly conceals celery and carrot puree. I've tried quite a few recipes from this book and they always turn out fabu, so I'm positive my unique psychosis of adding weird extras to recipes is the singular reason this was a huge recipe FAIL.

So you wanna come over for dinner? haha



Unknown said...

I'm sorry, but that made me laugh! I am SO bad at cooking and it's nice to see that I'm not the only one who makes a wee bit of a mess of things sometimes. Did you at least try the meatloaf? Maybe it tasted better than it looked. ;)

harriet glynn said...

YOU have no idea how good that makes me feel! I am a rat's ass when it comes to following a recipe.


Kari said...

Hahaha! Love it! I've tried meatloaf once before as well...and never again. So don't be too hard on yourself! I would eat your green bean casserole everyday if I could, not to mention that crazy candy bark dessert you made for Halloween (and I'm looking forward to for Christmas so you better still bring it like you promised!!)

Michael said...

Yeah, I puked a little in my mouth there....and the fact that this post has a sexual undertone to it when its rather nasty, has me somewhat worried about you.

OT and ET said...

Lindsay, I did try the top (it was cooked a bit more than the insides) and it was gnarly. Bad news all around.

Harriet, haha, I was hoping my failure would at least bring a little joy to the world!

Kar! Peppermint oreo bark is SO happening! And I'm going to try to bring Tucson Tamales too! Whoot!!

Haha, Michael, no worries. I didn't REALLY blow a turkey loaf. Lol. I'm seriously not a weird meat pervert - I promise!

Roxane said...

Um, I think your brave.

That being said, I have to tell you when I scrolled and caught a glimpse of the picture my mouth fell open. Literally.

I think I love you. That totally looks like something that might come out of my kitchen.

Heather said...

When I read the title to this post, I thought, how could you mess up meatloaf? But man that picture was awesome.

I have a couple good meatloaf recipes. Don't give up. Its yummy. But, I'm not sure about the pumpkin, bean sprouts and stuff :/

PoetessWug said...

Hey, you could say you're a 'not-so-good' meatloaf cook, or you could say you're 'adventurous and willing to try anything'! The latter is really good for trying to start a new job, but not good when you're describing cooking finesse! ^_^ BACK AWAY FROM THE MEATLOAF!!!

mamaclare said...

Oh darling friend! I think it might have been over for us if I were still suffering miserably from morning sickness and I started my day with this post and there was no FDA warning label smacked visibly on the front.
Personally, I love "sneaking" food into food, but I do it out loud (that is why my daughter thinks kale is a necessary ingredient for popsicles), but I did not like Jessica Simpson's recipe for brownies. So the fault may not be all yours (but there is such a thing as overzealous).
I love you!

mamaclare said...

Oh and then I notice at the top of your blog it says "RECIPES"
Please tell me this one will be featured!

OT and ET said...

LOL guys. Yeah, the consensus seems to be that the bean sprouts were the unforgiveable "straw" that broke my meatloaf's back. Personally, I think if I'd added more breadcrumbs & not screwed up the tomato sauce bit it woulda been good sprouts and all. But I'm not defending what I did!

Wug, I'm going with "adventurous and willing to try new things" I like that! It goes on the resume :)

Clare, haha, Oh I'm so sorry I almost gave you morning sickness. That is never a cook's intention, haha! I sooo put it on the recipe page, did you see it?

Poppy said...

In general meatloaf sucks (going with your porn theme here). I can't hop on or pull a train with a loaf of ground up meat no matter what animal. I think old fashioned mushy carrot/peas/lima bean frozen mixture would have been more appealing. Your future daughter in law thanks you for not setting the bar very high.

OT and ET said...

Thanks for the silver lining angle, P!